I'm dying.

It has recently been brought to my attention that I am going to die. So are you. There is no caveat or qualification.

The other night I was reading Julius Caesar while on the toilet.* For those of you who know anything about literature or history, Julius Caesar was assassinated on the Ides of March. That night I had a dream I was playing Caesar in a play at my old high school. I wasn't stabbed or assassinated, I merely collapsed and hit my head on the ground, and out of it poured a green goo that I could identify only as Shamrock Shake. (Only available through mid-March, act fast.)

*To learn more about the virtues of toilet reading, please do watch future posts.

The next day I began to get really sick, just more than a week before the Ides of March and it occurred to me that I am dying and I have no idea what to do while I am still alive. I might not die on March 15, 2007, but I will go one of these times. Then again I might die on the above date and thus I encourage friends and family to yield to arrangements below.

Some people say that if that humankind didn't die that it could not appreciate life. The reason we have death is to make life important. But so many of us squander our existence despite the fact that death has been a reality of human kind since its inception. Isn't it reasonable to presume that a person who lives 200 years would be able to better appreciate life than a person who had only lived for 20?

Then again this is based on the presumption that when we die that our bodies become lifeless and then we rot. The end. Some of us become immortalized in bronze. If we die in a tanning bed this is done for us.

Church billboards and khaki wearing proselytizers will often try to introduce people to Jesus by asking you,
"Do you know where you are going when you die?"

Through a personal faith a person might reasonably believe that they are going to heaven - whatever that is.

Others can't really know. For many of us it is just as plausible that we will be worm food as we will be ghosts. It makes as much sense that we will go to heaven or reincarnate as a poodle.

What are we to do? Doesn't an unreasonable fear of death prevent us from living? Does not a brusk insensitivity to our mortality inspire only the most inane existence? I don't know but I have three feelings.

First I feel I should do more with my life and I am sure you feel the same way. (About me.)

Second, I am not sure what is going to happen to me when I die. Right now I am uncertain on what the afterlife is if there is anything. Traditional religious teachings tell me that I will go to heaven or hell based upon my conduct here on Earth. The same religious teachings say that our time on Earth is trivial compared to life we will spend in "God's Kingdom" or "Beelzebub's Condo" I can't help but think that this makes an unfair assumption that God is just a dick. The span of time ranging between 1 and 100 years we spend on Earth determine our eternity? Really? Fancy that. What a dick!

Also, I wonder seriously what happens to a miscarried baby, or to a fetus or to stem cells once destroyed. I wonder, within the context of traditional Judeo-Christian thinking how far along you have to be in your development as an organism to get into Heaven? Also, if a human life begins at conception, will the Catholic church begin advocating for pre-natal Baptism to ensure that various pieces of goo aren't banished to purgatory just because they weren't quite old tough enough to make it through the birth canal to Father Murphy O'Harra's loving craft of Baptismal water?

In addition, are pedophellic Catholic priests attracted to a male fetus in the second trimester? This is a valid question I assure you.

Third I have thought about what should be done with my bloated Irish corpse. I know that this blogpost is not legally biding but I am too lazy to make real funeral arrangements.

I do not want to be embalmed. It's my blood and I am taking it with me.

I do not want a public viewing, there is no way they will get my hair right anyway. Also if I die in a tanning bed or something, I don't think the imagery of my red glowing corpse in a casket will be helpful to the grieving.

I want a green burial ala a certain character* on Six Feet Under. This will include a burial shroud. My Pallbearers will include Dave Stenberg, Paul Meyers, Ben Morris, and former Vice President Al Gore. If there is no money for a proper funeral, Sarah Fults has been instructed to bury me in a big dune at Muskegon State Park, facing Lake Michigan.

*I'll spare you the spoilers.













If the technology is available, void the above and shoot me into the sun via rocket.

At my service you may display a tasteful black and white photo of me that shows of my virility and brilliance. (photoshopped).

The music I would like played is George Harrison's "Marwa Blues", The Beatles' "Strawberry Fields", The White Stripes' "Who's To Say", Badly Drawn Boy's "A Minor Incident", Death Cab For Cutie's, "I Will Follow You Into The Dark" and Yo-Yo Ma's rendition of Bach's "Cello Suite No.1." If they don't have the Yo-You Ma song, substitute it with the theme from Hawaii Five-O. If you have other suggestions please send them along.

The whole thing should be catered by Da-Hu Chinese Restaurant in North Muskegon, MI. There MUST be an abundance of their home-made rangoons and eggrolls as well as various dipping sauces.

Now you know about funeral arraignments. I have no pre-need services paid up, nor do I have a will or an attorney but if I don''t get the arrangements I want, you better feel like a real bastard. Also, if I come back as a poodle I will bite you face off in your sleep.

As for where I will go when I die, I have decided to be a real person. I believe that rather than leading a life of blind and narrowly defined piety that I will permit life's tribulations and adventures shape my soul. I will do this so that if my time on Earth is judged, I will have a soul and a life rich enough to be worthy of judgment. . .if it comes to that.