Oh, That Child Of Yours!

It would be good at climbing trees
and eating eucalyptus leaves.

Oh, that child of yours
hairy and smiling,
marred with infected sores,
each day defiling.

Your lil' misunderstood disease
With pussed boils that bestow heaves.

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The Proust Questionnaire
Caving Into Peer Pressure And Giving Into Cultural Exhibitionism.


1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Freedom to do exactly as I please with unlimited material comforts.

2. What is your greatest fear? Being stuck. Being without options and opportunity.

3. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Theodore Roosevelt.

4. Which living person do you most admire? Nelson Mandela.

5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Laziness.

6. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Laziness. Also, incuriousness and dishonesty.

7. What is your greatest extravagance? Fine toiletries and clothing.

8. What is your favorite journey? The quest for purpose. I'm figuring out how I can use my gifts
to be useful, and it is a good time actually.

9. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Humbleness.

10. On what occasion do you lie? I am known for my superfluous honesty.

11. What do you dislike most about your appearance? Pastiness. Also the post-college Lard.

12. Which living person do you most despise? Dick Cheney, this guy is evil scum in the sense that only people who believe in the physical existence of the Devil can understand.

13. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "What the Eff?' "For Fuck Sakes!"

14. What is your greatest regret? Having never developed the ability to live, experience and understand the alternate time lines of my existence that would have been produced by choices other than the ones I had actually made so that I could verify if regret was justified. Fuck, me!

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? Pizza? Maybe nature.

16. Which talent would you most like to have? Musical talent.

17. What is your current state of mind? Vacant. Thirsty. ::stares off, drools::

18. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? The cast and characters.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Mostly how I have personally affected a number of folks. I have helped make the philistine and apathetic into the curious and the motivated. This is ironic given my current status as a wayfaring stranger.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? Toll booth collector. Mostly because God hates me.

21. If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be? A traveling author who gets into adventures, fights, and says profound new things about his culture and the human condition. It would be like if Hunter S. Thompson, Ernest Hemingway, and James Bond had a child.

22. What is your most treasured possession? My shower.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being trapped in a situation where you have no options or opportunity.

24. Where would you like to live? D.C., New York. Maybe Ireland or Malta.

25. What is your favorite occupation? For Myself? See traveling author.

26. What is your most marked characteristic? My defiance of authority.

27. What is the quality you most like in a man? Most people would say, "a huge cock", but penis' other than my own frighten me. So I will so with strength, boldness, resolve and wisdom.

28. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Nice milkers, a pretty face. Also I like when they have strong nurturing qualities. Plus, wit, humor, articulateness.

29. What do you most value in your friends? Wit, humor, articulateness...I like good company.

30. Who are your favorite writers? Joyce, Hornby, Hemingway, and Lincoln.

31. Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Spider-Man.

32. Who are your heroes in real life? Spider-Man.

33. What are your favorite names? Fredrick, James, Annabelle, Gabriella.

34. What is it that you most dislike? Cat dander and traffic.

35. How would you like to die? Heroically before the surly bonds of age and frailty emasculate me.

36. What is your motto? The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

37. Who is your favorite painter? Warhol, Brandon Bird, Alex Ross.

38. Who is your favorite musician? (Just one? ROFL!) The Beatles.

39. What is your favorite song? Strawberry Fields.

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Dave F.A.Q. Originally aired Wedseday January 8, 2007
© NBC News


Matt Lauer: You have probably never heard of him. Find out why that is. TODAY ™ we have David [omitted] in our studio. David thanks for being here. What are you doing these days?

David: I am substitute teaching, grades 3 to 12. I don't teach the younger kids because they refuse to wash their hands and they always want to hug me.

Matt Lauer: [Feigned Laughter]

David: [ Cold stare.]

Matt Lauer:: Any plans for the future?

David: I have applied to graduate schools, law schools, and I have even considerd pursuing a seccond Bacholers since I could do it at virtually no cost. Right now I am pursuing more bohemian endeavors.

Matt Lauer: So you don't know what you're doing next fall?

David: I am 100% behind continuing my education while I am still in my 20s, lest I be the fellow in class known as "creepy old guy."

Matt Lauer: [silence, shufles notes] Eh..well. . .

David: No, I'm not totally clear on what I am doing next fall. It will depend on the financial awards, assistantships and scholarships that I win.

Matt Lauer: Why don't you cut your hair?

David: Because whilst working in politics I always had to have a more professional hair-style. So now I am letting my large lusterious copper mane flourish like a wild animal with a violent and untamable lust to copulate with its own species for the first time.

Matt Lauer: [silence] [checks watch, eyes door]

CLICK HERE For Part 2!

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