Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sex. Show all posts

Thank You, Brown Recluse

Thank You, Brown Recluse


She bit my torso while I slept,

feasting away toward my sweetbreads.

Forever ending my career

spearing cold, culled foul carcasses.

Prying from me necrotized love

I could not incise on my own.

Stuffing daily with silver gauze,

opiates, and Scotch; oozing puss.

Giving excuse for frequent steaks

and pondering a life in Seoul

that I never wanted or lived.

And for my thirtieth birthday:

banging upward, a decade younger.

And soon, making some real money

fixing ill devised foreign prose.

She had made my year and my life,

but still, I am glad she is dead.


Women In Dresses

Women In Dresses

I like women in dresses
I like women with brains.

But they consider it
for a minute or two
upon knowing what I do
and where I lay my head,
how I get around
and conclude, "He's not going
no place good I can see,"
and wonder,

"What's a guy like you doing
in a woman like me?"


September 2011
First Reading: Ypsilanti, Michigan. June 2012.


The Infidelities Of Johns Edwards & McCain
Why The Edwards Story Is Worse For John McCain

When something bad happens to a well-known leader in the Democratic Party, you might expect that the Democratic Party might suffer.

Those of us that have been paying close attention to this election have noticed that Republicans have been quick to exploit any news story that can be distorted to discredit Barack Obama. But with the Edwards story, John McCain and the Republicans are treading lightly this time.

Why? Because John McCain's vapid, shallow and crotchety campaign has been based on two things:

First, the McCain campaign is out to assassinate the character, policies and campaign narrative of Barack Obama with an alarmingly vitriolic and immature tone that more and more voters are finding repulsive.

The second part of the McCain campaign strategy is to continue his hyperbolic glamorization about his service and character. John McCain wants you to believe that getting shot down and beaten up is a qualification to lead, and that taking on populist policy positions as part of an image-making strategy after the Keating Five scandal somehow validates the assertion that he is an independent minded maverick.

There is a growing consensus throughout the voting community that John McCain’s self-manufactured image as maverick-foreign affairs guru-former fly-boy is little more than a thin marketing strategy that worked better eight years ago.

So, of course John McCain doesn’t want the public to be reminded of his character flaws, which includes his violent and vulgar temperament as well as propensity toward skank-pronging.

John McCain’s first wife, Carol waited years for her husband while he was in a P.O.W. camp. When he came home to find that the former model was severely injured in a car accident.

Despite his apparently catastrophic war injuries on the behalf of the Viet Cong, he was able to muster the strength and virility to commit hundreds of infidelities with dozens of women.

When he finally found an FWB who had extensive connections in Republican politics and who was a millionaire heiress to the Anheuser-Busch fortune, he left Carol outright.

McCain even had the audacity to get a marriage license to wed Cindy McCain, (the infamous pill-popping Stepford Wife) before his divorce with Carol was final.

So, while John Edwards was egregiously unfaithful, I’m sure McCain would like it better if the public wasn’t talking about the marital infidelities of politicians.

Especially when his character-myth is the lynchpin of his campaign narrative.

Something Good

Something Good

What do you say we get a little something good going?
You and I should get together
and be good friends in fair weather
since we haven’t got anything
real rolling.
We might as well have us something
that’s good going
while going’s good
and the terms
are
understood.


The Audacity Of Don't

The Audacity Of Don't


Some people like to boast that they don’t
drink or do drugs
or that they’re proud virgins into their twenties
or that they don’t eat meat or enjoy soft drinks
or they don’t watch TV, or stay up too late
and
they don’t sleep in, or put out on the first date.
What kind of person
decides who they are based
on what they don’t do?
Who on their deathbed denounces adventure,
endeavor, excellence, and enlightenment?
I’ll tell you who it is!:
it’s smug bitches and bastards, devoid of courage
fashioning virtue out of necessity;
because for those folks comfort rivals passion
and
timidity prevails.


The Culture War Lives

A CULTURAL IMPASSE:
My Failed Attempt To Plan A Vacation in Gulf Shores, Alabama

Chat Information: You are now chatting with 'Linda K.'

Linda K: Good afternoon. How may I help you today?

Mr. Trudeau: Hey there, I am wondering if there are any good places to have a Beach-infused Spring Break experience on the Gulf Coast Alabama...this is going to be early March when we go.

Linda K: I am sure you can find something available at that time. How many nights do you plan to stay, and how many will be with you?

Mr. Trudeau: Well, I am wondering if the temperatures will accommodate a beach vacation...and if there will be other young people there out to cut loose

Linda K: Our market is Families--young people will be here with there families--this is not like Panama City Fl.

Mr. Trudeau: So there aren’t any young folks out for booze and loose women/muscley studs?

Linda K: I beg your pardon--no lose women here—

Mr. Trudeau: NONE? I find that hard to believe.

(Prolonged Silence)

Linda K: Is there anything else I can help you with today?

Mr. Trudeau: I mean, I know Alabama is about two centuries behind the rest of civilization but there HAS to be a culture for college kids . . .

Linda K: We are not behind--maybe you should be looking for something other than what you mentioned.

Mr. Trudeau: Well I mean, I’m young so I do the things young people do. You know?

Linda K : We have a great beach resort--lots of things to do for fun and great seafood restaurants.

Mr. Trudeau: That’s great! I love Seafood

Linda K : There is plenty of things to do for the young and young at heart here on the Al. beautiful Gulf Coast.

Mr. Trudeau: I have another question.....I have a Barack Obama bumper sticker on my car...are there any particular herbs or repellents I can put around my car to keep the locals away?

Mr. Trudeau: I think if they saw my car they might think it's some kind of space-ship and be inflamed to rage upon seeing my support for Mr. Obama

Linda K : I do not understand your remarks.

Mr. Trudeau: I just don't want to go there unprepared , I know it's a different culture

Linda K : I think you may be the one with the problem with having a bumper sticker for him. This is a free country--support is your choice.

Linda K : I do know where you are from--but it is not a different culture here from any place I have traveled here in the US

Mr. Trudeau: Yeah....see I just don't want a pitchfork in my tire

Mr. Trudeau: Are there any popular Brothels on the Gulf Coast?

Linda K : I have other people to help that are interested in our area. I have your info so my supervisor can contact you.

Mr. Trudeau: That’s fine

Linda K : Do you need her to contact you?

Mr. Trudeau:
sure. email is best, or she can call my cell.

Linda K : You can call her or me free--800-745-7263

Mr. Trudeau:Is it true that in Alabama I can beat up a black man and not go to jail?

Linda K : I am not responding to you any longer

Mr. Trudeau:ONE more thing. And it’s serious.

Linda K: . . . alright.

Mr. Trudeau: I don't like seeing the Ten Commandments Posted publicly, if I call ahead will they cover it up for me by the time I get there?


Chat Information: Chat session was ended by site operator.


Is This Too Much To Ask?

I Can Has Pussy!?

The Pick-Up Artist
I Can Has Pussy!?

Mystery:
So, okay here is my super-ultimate no fail move.

Kevair: ::gulp::

Mystery: Okay, so you walk up to the girl, and you touch her two finger tips on her forefingers with YOUR two fingertips on each your forefingers.

Kevair: What?

Mystery: And then you stare her right in the eyes like you're an owl, and you don't break your intense gaze.

Kevair: In the eyes?

Mystery: And then you say to her. . . "I once arm wrestled George Harrison. . .from the Beatles.

Kevair: A lot of girls my age don't know who that is. . .

Mystery: Right, well maybe I'll take advice from you? Right? Like, I think you can like teach a How-To-Be-A Virgin course if you want, I don't think we would be after the same client pool if you know what I mean.

Kevair: What?

Mystery: ::SLAPS KEVIAR IN THE MOUTH::

Kevair: Arrrahhh! What the FUCK man?

Mystery: ::grabs Kevair by the hair:: Listen to me you fuck-weed piece of shit, you think because I wear a furry Velour-lined top-hat and eyeliner that I won't fucking kill you?!

The Restaurant Intervention

The Restaurant Intervention
A Strange And Harrowing Brunch


Silly Sally:
[Puts Down McSaddle's manuscript] You spend too much time drinking and brooding

James McSaddle: That's my JOB now! I'm like Johnny Cash these days, c'mon.

Silly Sally: That doesn't mean its healthy!

James McSaddle: Eh, I think it is for the most part. It's good to confront things and not just bury them, you know?

Silly Sally: Drinking all the time isn't for you.

James McSaddle: Oh that's not good! I know.

Silly Sally: So fix it.

James McSaddle: Okay.

[In the span of less than one minute, James McSaddle gets up, walks out the door toward the exit door, He buys a New York Times from the machine using 5 quarters. He then does a 180°, walks back inside, and sits back in his seat at the booth with Silly Sally]

James McSaddle: Alright then, I'm all better now.

Silly Sally: [looking defeated] Good, I'm excited for you.

James McSaddle: Me too! What will life be like now?

Silly Sally: First, I advise you to shave off that horrid stash.

James McSaddle: It's gone next Saturday, before my house has that party. I have to say, the bitches just aren't digging the beard. Like, at all.

Silly Sally: Good!

James McSaddle: I might go back to stubble though.

Silly Sally: Stubble is fine. And after you do that you can take up a hobby like wood burning.

James McSaddle: No no, you can't be serious? What kind of person actually likes wood burning?

Silly Sally: My point is, you should find something.

James McSaddle: See, this is what I'm talking about. Whats the other choice? What if I give up booze, if I give up drugs, if I stop brooding? Then what? I would probably stop writing too. And after that, then what? I don't like being a walking cliché, but it fits. I don't know what else would fit me.

Silly Sally: Maybe you should find something else, because most of the time you're a stumbling cliché.

James McSaddle: Har.

Silly Sally: Like maybe get some drive and make a career happen.

James McSaddle: In what field, do tell? Supply Chain Management? Accounting? Maybe get an MBA?

Silly Sally: [Stares On With Sadness and Frustration]

James McSaddle: Maybe I'll get some new Khakis, and volunteer for Mitt Romney. I'll have to get a hair cut first...and of course I won't forget to shave.

Silly Sally: You see, what is wrong with any of those things? I mean I know you don't like Mitt Romney. . .

James McSaddle: [Interrupts Boisterously] And then ill marry a nice girl from Bloomfield Hills, perhaps the daughter of a mid level GM Executive. She will put ribbons in the hair of our flax haired tots and talk to them much the same way a little girl talks to dolls.

Silly Sally: [Rolls Eyes]

James McSaddle: Of course, true to type, she will have a steady diet of Riesling and Xanax. . and I'll look on. . . and you know what? I'll be a little nostalgic.

Silly Sally: What field you want to do?

James McSaddle: Well, you know what I'd always thought I'd be good at?

Silly Sally: What ?

James McSaddle: Drunken self-destructive poet/writer/novelist.

Silly Sally: If you're going to write you should focus on getting published.

James McSaddle: I'm doing that.

Silly Sally: Oh?

James McSaddle: Certainly.

James McSaddle: [Holds up 3/4 empty class] Another one please, love? [In a Michael Caine voice]

Waitress: Extra limes?

James McSaddle: Of course. [Smiles]

Silly Sally: [Purses lips.]

Cookie Monster Is Hardly A Monster At All

Cookie Monster Is Hardly A Monster At All

Cookie monster himself has been saying
that cookies are a sometimes food.
But his restraint
calls into question
whether he's any kind of monster at all.

Drug Monsters
are shooting up and smoking down

Sex Monsters
are thrusting in and pulling out.

Greed Monsters
are making bank on man's anguish.

Hate Monsters
invade deserts and kill Arabs.

Vain Monsters
are getting nips, tucks, and Botox™.

Death Monsters
are living fast, but not for long.

Their food is an always food all of the time;
it's endless devouring like it's no crime.

Right Now, Just Right

Right Now, Just Right

I don't remember who said "hi" first
but one of us did
and the other said it back

It's good to be appreciated
and fond of something.
To care more than to care less.

It is a good excuse to get nude,
to smile and fuck.
To ride out your callous drought.

It's good if you admit what it is
and you don't pretend
That what's right now is just right.



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Girl 1: So that guy last night? Oh it feels like a toddler would if he tried to fuck me

Girl 2: Ha ha ha! Toddler!?

Girl 1: You know a toddler, reckless, self serving, exploitative but unsmooth.

Girl 2:Yes, ugh.

Girl 1: Like the toddler is just interested how things work for the most part. Like he was all pinching, poking, biting, twisting and shit like I'm some fucking busy-box in his crib.

Girl 2: Yuck, yuck, yuck.

Girl 1: Like people who sit in the interior of a car at a dealership. They are like "oh oh, how you put the seat up. . .oh oh down here, okay. . . it's different on my car"

Girl 3: Yeah, they don't know where the clit is.


"I Don't Get Beer Goggles. I Get Beer Standards", says Rielly.

Tickle Box

I hereby coin the following phrase:

Tickle Box

Tik•Ill B•Ox (n)

  • 1.) A woman's intimate region.
  • 2.) Female sexual genitallia.
  • 3.) The Vag.

Under The Oval Office:
The Dark Secrets of America's Chief Executives from Taft to Bush

by Dorris Kearns Goodwin and Michael Beschloss

Part 1:

In 1909 William Howard Taft had a a dungeon built directly under the Oval Office. It is round and its walls are made from the same dark stones as the floor. On the walls there are only chains and other fasteners. The entire room is lit by torches that hang near the wall.

Historians have long been baffled as to why Mr. Taft had this underground chamber built. It has been ruled out that he is a sex freak as his weight (350 lbs while President) made him incapable of using his penis, as evidenced by his own personal diaries, his recently unsealed medical records, and memoirs published by his wife in 1912.

It is suspected that he might have used the dungeon to house Harland Jasper Taft, a Filipino child he conceived illegitimately while serving as Governor-General of the Philippines in 1901, when his waistline was a svelte 30 inches.

Harland Jasper Taft, then just 11 years old was known to have escaped the White House grounds in April 1911. He was captured by the Virginia National Guard while swimming nude in the Potomac, which was practiced recreationaly by John Quincy Adams.

Upon being returned to the White House, Harland Jasper was never seen again. William Howard Taft was never an angry man, though he was a hungry man. His wife Louisa was known as an opportunist whose influence was so great that her husband sought the Presidency at her urging, although he himself never desired to be President. It is suspected that because of the upcoming election that Louisa Taft had ordered that all food be removed from the White House, and that the young Harland Jasper be doused in balsamic vinegar, olive oil, and breadcrumbs. It is reported that 2 hours later that the President had eaten whole his illegitimate Filipino son. Taft weeped for hours but he soon had to turn his attention to winning the Republican nomination for President from his former ally Theodore Roosevelt. Because of the trappings of the presidency, a prejudice against Asians, and a rising popularity of cannibalism among societies elite, there was never an investigation.

The only known photo of Harland Jasper Taft



I Herby Officially Coin The Following Phrase:

"Sex has many risks, but abstinence has few rewards".
-D. James McSaddle April 2007

If there is any justice in the universe, I am pretty sure that this bitch is going to die alone.

The Proust Questionnaire
Caving Into Peer Pressure And Giving Into Cultural Exhibitionism.


1. What is your idea of perfect happiness? Freedom to do exactly as I please with unlimited material comforts.

2. What is your greatest fear? Being stuck. Being without options and opportunity.

3. Which historical figure do you most identify with? Theodore Roosevelt.

4. Which living person do you most admire? Nelson Mandela.

5. What is the trait you most deplore in yourself? Laziness.

6. What is the trait you most deplore in others? Laziness. Also, incuriousness and dishonesty.

7. What is your greatest extravagance? Fine toiletries and clothing.

8. What is your favorite journey? The quest for purpose. I'm figuring out how I can use my gifts
to be useful, and it is a good time actually.


9. What do you consider the most overrated virtue? Humbleness.

10. On what occasion do you lie? I am known for my superfluous honesty.

11. What do you dislike most about your appearance? Pastiness. Also the post-college Lard.

12. Which living person do you most despise? Dick Cheney, this guy is evil scum in the sense that only people who believe in the physical existence of the Devil can understand.

13. Which words or phrases do you most overuse? "What the Eff?' "For Fuck Sakes!"

14. What is your greatest regret? Having never developed the ability to live, experience and understand the alternate time lines of my existence that would have been produced by choices other than the ones I had actually made so that I could verify if regret was justified. Fuck, me!

15. What or who is the greatest love of your life? Pizza? Maybe nature.

16. Which talent would you most like to have? Musical talent.

17. What is your current state of mind? Vacant. Thirsty. ::stares off, drools::

18. If you could change one thing about your family, what would it be? The cast and characters.

19. What do you consider your greatest achievement? Mostly how I have personally affected a number of folks. I have helped make the philistine and apathetic into the curious and the motivated. This is ironic given my current status as a wayfaring stranger.

20. If you were to die and come back as a person or thing, what do you think it would be? Toll booth collector. Mostly because God hates me.

21. If you could choose what to come back as, what would it be? A traveling author who gets into adventures, fights, and says profound new things about his culture and the human condition. It would be like if Hunter S. Thompson, Ernest Hemingway, and James Bond had a child.

22. What is your most treasured possession? My shower.

23. What do you regard as the lowest depth of misery? Being trapped in a situation where you have no options or opportunity.

24. Where would you like to live? D.C., New York. Maybe Ireland or Malta.

25. What is your favorite occupation? For Myself? See traveling author.

26. What is your most marked characteristic? My defiance of authority.

27. What is the quality you most like in a man? Most people would say, "a huge cock", but penis' other than my own frighten me. So I will so with strength, boldness, resolve and wisdom.

28. What is the quality you most like in a woman? Nice milkers, a pretty face. Also I like when they have strong nurturing qualities. Plus, wit, humor, articulateness.

29. What do you most value in your friends? Wit, humor, articulateness...I like good company.

30. Who are your favorite writers? Joyce, Hornby, Hemingway, and Lincoln.

31. Who is your favorite hero of fiction? Spider-Man.

32. Who are your heroes in real life? Spider-Man.

33. What are your favorite names? Fredrick, James, Annabelle, Gabriella.

34. What is it that you most dislike? Cat dander and traffic.

35. How would you like to die? Heroically before the surly bonds of age and frailty emasculate me.

36. What is your motto? The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.

37. Who is your favorite painter? Warhol, Brandon Bird, Alex Ross.

38. Who is your favorite musician? (Just one? ROFL!) The Beatles.

39. What is your favorite song? Strawberry Fields.

Putting The Moves On: Deal Or New Deal?



Hook-Up Culture
It's Not Such A Bad Thing.

"What we have seen in American culture is not the erosion of morality, but rather a culminating defeat against a negative social construct that punishes healthy human behavior."



The other day I was listening to Talk Of The Nation with Neil Conan. His guest that afternoon was Laura Sessions Stepp, the author of Unhooked: How Young Women Pursue Sex, Delay Love and Lose at Both. Stepp denounces what she calls the "hook-up culture" as being poisonous for the emotional and mental health of women.

Has she considered that uneven expectations among ascribed gender roles is a boon for males and that in the end, it all balances out?

Seriously, my biggest problem with her supporting evidence is that she uses case studies from stupid girls. By stupid girls I mean the ones that are easily manipulated by cunt-hunting club-hopping assholes who feign emotion and actively use deception for the purposes of sex acquisition. Perhaps fair criticism can be made about about the woman who particpate in such interpersonal fallacies, but it is not forgivable when some gel-haired douchebag preys upon a woman's emotional frailty to gain access to her Rosy Mound. Women have a responsibility to themselves to be more cautious and to learn the distinctions between earnestness and smarminess.When women are tricked into giving up sex under false pretenses, males too bare responsibility for their actions, and they deserve equitable admonishment.

* The website says that "The Rosy Mound is open year ‘round".

Stepp argues that women who are willing participants in the hookup culture contribute to a broader cultural phenomenon that facilitates a male’s ability to treat women like meat. The economic principles of the free market (or rather the free meat market) does tend to favor women who are kind enough to know that Blue Balling isn't a sport that men enjoy.

But Stepp refuses to acknowledge that there are many emotionally healthy women who are willing participants in the hookup culture who want the same things as the male participants. A woman whom partakes in casual sex is not necessarily being tricked or duped; a male does not necessarily have to propose false pretenses to convince a woman to enter a mutually beneficial sexual arraignment.


I happen to believe that people in this generation who are in their 20s value emotionally healthy relationships with reciprocal respect and admiration at least as much or perhaps more so than previous generations. But, I also believe that our generation appreciates the rarity of such premium quality human relationships.


We have grown up watching divorces; we have grown up watching dysfunctional relationships and broken marriages preserved for the wrong reasons. As a result, many members of my generation have high hopes and low expectations about what we can expect from a significant other, or at least many of us know that we can’t thrust upon one person all of our hopes for happiness and fulfillment.

Each of us wants to end up with someone who is right for us, but some of us are fine making due with less through our youth, especially since many of us are focused on career development and since many of us find ourselves enriched by platonic friendships.

Many folks these days accept the terms of less comprehensive romantic relationships the same way we might drive a noisy sub-compact through grad school with the hopes of one day owning a Mercedes Benz. For me personally, I see the emotionally healthy relationship not as a vehicle toward happiness, but rather as a destination along a rich and full life journey.

There looms another important question: If neither party is deceptive or misleading about his or her intentions and they both want the same thing, why shouldn’t they hook-up? For many, the hook-up culture is a welcome alternative to the joyless puritanical Youth Group culture American's endured through the 1950s and 1990s.

Bare with me. Courtships that center around a non-romantic and mutually beneficial sexual relationship existed long before the terms “hook-up”, “fuck-friend”, “bed-buddy” and other variations. But over the years, the viewpoint that sex and love can be different thing has become more prevalent.

Ms. Stepp appears to be totally closed to the idea that all along throughout our history that guys and gals have been pursuing primarily sexual relationships but ascribing erroneous meaning and false emotion to it for no better reason than to adhere to puritanical cultural expectations.

What we have seen in American culture is not the erosion of morality, but rather a culminating defeat against a negative social construct that punishes healthy human behavior. Attitudes are embracing the possibility that perhaps it is more healthy to go through life without the expectation that every person we kiss and every person we date is really a candidate for marriage.

Another problem I have with Stepp's argument is that she looks at the "Hook-Up Culture" through the lens of American culture. To apply narrowly embraced puritanical social values to a global phenomenon of human interaction is just as ignorant as touting American Exceptionalisim as a basis for regime change in nations that jingoistic sociopaths consider primitive.

Western Europe has more relaxed attitudes about sex and relationships and none of the hazardous symptoms of cultural demise that Stepp predicts for our own culture have yet taken place. In fact, the Euro is up along with foreign investment in the E.U. nations, so it appears that Dutch sex shows and horny Frenchman are not negatively impacting the value of European currency not has it caused the other half of the Western World to sink into Dante’s’ Inferno.

Inversely, many Islamic nations is the Middle East, North Africa, and South Asia whom embrace values similar to Ms. Stepp remain, lets say, states of concern.

Thats right, I went there. Which side of the culture war are you on now?












Laura Stepp: In need of a good rogering.
Any volunteers?

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