Loving Vs. Fighting

Loving Vs. Fighting


Once in Eighth grade after I punched someone in the nose,

the middle school secretary gave me some advice.

"David, be a Lover, not a Fighter" she had said.
That's a false dichotomy if I've ever heard one.

I'm taller, wiser, and a decade or so removed.
and what I learned since then is that loving and fighting
go hand in hand.

Warpaint Against An Impure Conscience


Manny Faces


PEACE ON EARTH*

PEACE ON EARTH*



The then the LORD said, "Live as one of them, Jesus, to discover where your strength and your power are needed. Always hold in your heart the pride of your special heritage. They can be a great people, Jesus, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you... my only son. "


This was actually from the 1978 Superman movie. Replace "Jesus" with "Kal-El" and "the LORD" with Jor-El

If you want to crucify this savior, I hope you have Kryptonite nails!






* Restrictions Apply


Swiss Miss & Snow Pants

Swiss Miss and Snow Pants

Yes, I hate this time of year
it reminds me of exactly
of how cold it can get here
and about how when I was smaller
all I needed was Snow Pants
to keep dry, and to keep warm
some Swiss Miss made with whole milk.
These days it takes more than that.

Left: McSaddle's "inner self". Right: McSaddle's "inner girlfriend".

McSaddle To Direct "Trade Off"

McSaddle To Direct 9/11 Romantic Comedy
Braff and Portman Rumored To Play Leads
News Release • For Immediate Release • December 15, 2007 • Contact: Peppermint Gomez PGomez2@MeatCurtain.Net

New York, NY - Today The Weinstein Company in association with Dimensions Films announced that D. James McSaddle will write and direct Trade Off , an action oriented romantic comedy that takes place in New York City on the day of the 9/11 attacks. McSaddle will begin principal photography after he wraps up the promotional tour of She’s So Easy A Caveman Could Do Her.

"The Weinstein's have a history of getting behind projects that push the envelope, and I am proud to be part of that film making tradition", said McSaddle of the company. He added "These are the guys who said yes to Pulp Fiction and Fahrenheit 9/11".

Rumors are abound that the two leads will be played by Zach Braff and Natalie Portman in their first team up since 2004's Garden State. "We don't have talks with the actors finalized, but I can say that this film isn't going to be a Garden State reunion ala Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks starring in Sleepless In Seattle and then doing a virtually identical movie called You've Got Mail years later. The tone of this film is totally different than anything most actors have tackled". Said McSaddle while chasing a cat around the room. He added, “It’s not my cat, I don’t even like cats that much, it belongs to my flatmate.”

The film will tell the story of Aliza Shamir, an Israeli secret agent and Roscoe Kallis, a New York City firefighter.

Aliza is sent by her government to remove evidence from the rubble of the World Trade Center that would serve as proof that the collapse of the towers was caused by a series of deliberate controlled explosions. If such evidence were found it would reveal that the mission was ordered from the highest levels of Israeli Government in an effort to rally the United States and the Bush Administration around the cause of defeating Israel's enemies in the Muslim world.

"It's a romance set to the backdrop of the burning Reichstag.” said McSaddle. Adding, "Roscoe discovers that this woman he met just that morning before the attacks is removing and destroying debris from the site. He has a choice between exposing her and revealing the truth to the world, or helping her and having a shot at true love.

"We already have a strong distribution agreement in Europe and Saudi Arabia, based on the script". McSaddle told Variety Magazine.

Trade Off is set for release in the summer of 2009.

###

The Restaurant Intervention

The Restaurant Intervention
A Strange And Harrowing Brunch


Silly Sally:
[Puts Down McSaddle's manuscript] You spend too much time drinking and brooding

James McSaddle: That's my JOB now! I'm like Johnny Cash these days, c'mon.

Silly Sally: That doesn't mean its healthy!

James McSaddle: Eh, I think it is for the most part. It's good to confront things and not just bury them, you know?

Silly Sally: Drinking all the time isn't for you.

James McSaddle: Oh that's not good! I know.

Silly Sally: So fix it.

James McSaddle: Okay.

[In the span of less than one minute, James McSaddle gets up, walks out the door toward the exit door, He buys a New York Times from the machine using 5 quarters. He then does a 180°, walks back inside, and sits back in his seat at the booth with Silly Sally]

James McSaddle: Alright then, I'm all better now.

Silly Sally: [looking defeated] Good, I'm excited for you.

James McSaddle: Me too! What will life be like now?

Silly Sally: First, I advise you to shave off that horrid stash.

James McSaddle: It's gone next Saturday, before my house has that party. I have to say, the bitches just aren't digging the beard. Like, at all.

Silly Sally: Good!

James McSaddle: I might go back to stubble though.

Silly Sally: Stubble is fine. And after you do that you can take up a hobby like wood burning.

James McSaddle: No no, you can't be serious? What kind of person actually likes wood burning?

Silly Sally: My point is, you should find something.

James McSaddle: See, this is what I'm talking about. Whats the other choice? What if I give up booze, if I give up drugs, if I stop brooding? Then what? I would probably stop writing too. And after that, then what? I don't like being a walking cliché, but it fits. I don't know what else would fit me.

Silly Sally: Maybe you should find something else, because most of the time you're a stumbling cliché.

James McSaddle: Har.

Silly Sally: Like maybe get some drive and make a career happen.

James McSaddle: In what field, do tell? Supply Chain Management? Accounting? Maybe get an MBA?

Silly Sally: [Stares On With Sadness and Frustration]

James McSaddle: Maybe I'll get some new Khakis, and volunteer for Mitt Romney. I'll have to get a hair cut first...and of course I won't forget to shave.

Silly Sally: You see, what is wrong with any of those things? I mean I know you don't like Mitt Romney. . .

James McSaddle: [Interrupts Boisterously] And then ill marry a nice girl from Bloomfield Hills, perhaps the daughter of a mid level GM Executive. She will put ribbons in the hair of our flax haired tots and talk to them much the same way a little girl talks to dolls.

Silly Sally: [Rolls Eyes]

James McSaddle: Of course, true to type, she will have a steady diet of Riesling and Xanax. . and I'll look on. . . and you know what? I'll be a little nostalgic.

Silly Sally: What field you want to do?

James McSaddle: Well, you know what I'd always thought I'd be good at?

Silly Sally: What ?

James McSaddle: Drunken self-destructive poet/writer/novelist.

Silly Sally: If you're going to write you should focus on getting published.

James McSaddle: I'm doing that.

Silly Sally: Oh?

James McSaddle: Certainly.

James McSaddle: [Holds up 3/4 empty class] Another one please, love? [In a Michael Caine voice]

Waitress: Extra limes?

James McSaddle: Of course. [Smiles]

Silly Sally: [Purses lips.]

Too Drunk > Too Sober

Too Drunk Beats Being Too Sober


I find it hard to keep myself from getting too drunk
So I do my best to keep from getting too sober
Because when I wake up and I gaze
with my eyes still closed to the noon sun
I can't bare to recall all the ways
I was a fool in the name of fun
all while new memories that I could have made got sunk
before I could even get out of The Harbor.


Iran News Shows Iraq Didn't Have To Happen

Iran News Shows Iraq Didn't Have To Happen


Recently U.S. Intelligence has confirmed that Iran ended its nuclear weapons program over five years ago. The thing that I think angers me most about the most recent revelation is that all the saber rattling by the Bush administration in recent months was just a carbon copy of their unsubstantiated case to invade Iraq. It confirmed some of the most biting cynicisms within many of us.

The White House has known for months that the 2005 assessment that Iran was pursuing a nuclear weapons program was false. Despite knowing this Bush, Cheney and the rest has embraced an unthoughtful and provocative rhetoric against Iran. In addition, the administration has pursued acts of congress that would give Bush and Cheney the legal power to go to war with Iran. (This includes a resolution supported by Hillary Clinton, FYI.)

The news for the past two days I think reveals perhaps how events might have unfolded had accurate intelligence been presented during the lead up to the War in Iraq throughout 2002 and 2003. The administration would have been exposed as being the most devious, secretive and nefarious since that of Richard Nixon. We wouldn't have invaded Iraq, George Bush wouldn't be President and this would be a very different world.

Oh, hindsight.


The Kitchenette Hotel

The Kitchenette Hotel
and why you wont run into Mitt Romney there.


What I would really like to do right now is lock myself in a Kitchenette Motel somewhere in the mountains. Maybe Colorado or Nevada. This idea is inspired in part by Jack Kerouac's Big Sur, which I am currently borrowing from my housemate. Apparently Ol' Jack went up to Big Sur to cope with a nervous breakdown and/or to detox from alcoh
ol. . .I'm not sure if he got any writing done while he was there.

I wonder if those with artistic tendencies are pre-disposed toward substance abuse, or if merely the established culture of Bohemianism makes it part of the business. I imagine that if you led an ordinary life devoid of crisis, conflict, breakdowns and relapses you wouldn't have too much to write about. Not much worth reading anyway. I feel as though if Fitzgerald were alive today that he would at least embrace the recreational use of NyQuil™; it is after all the absinthe for the new crop of faux-Lost Generation writers.

Last night before bed, I laid on my futon with a note pad, trying to assimilate a couple of ideas together for a story that I'd like to write. Frustrated, I turned the television on to C-Span where Mitt Romney was
doing a Town Hall forum in Cedar Rapids Iowa. A guy like Mitt Romney could never produce a novel, short story, or even a Presidential memoir worth reading; not because he is devoid of psychosis, but because he isn't the sort of guy to acknowledge it and work with it.

Willard "Mitt" Romney
is certainly not the kind of fellow who would still have a pulse if he defied the Grand Wizard of his local Church and experimented with something like NyQuil.His suits are impeccable, his hair is flawlessly parted, and he has a handsome functional family. But no such things are what they seem and no doubt the Romney family has dark and troubling secrets, which is perhaps the cornerstone of Mormon culture. Like a Norman Rockwell painting, Mitt Romney embodies cold logic, crass literalism, and a tragic artifice built upon an erroneous foundation of American perfection and exceptionalism.

I hope you'll thank Mitt Romney to leave the writing to me.

Overheard During The GRE

Overheard During The GRE

Mike: So the last few weeks I have been packing my bowl with this the eraser end of this D.A.R.E. pencil I came upon. . . .

Brad: . . .yes?

Mike: Well to make a long story short, guess who smoked about half of a pencil eraser?

Brad: When they start this test anyway brough?....not to interrupt or anything.. .I just studied for it and I want it to be over with.

Today During Meditation

The Taste Of Play-Doh

During mediation today, I went back to age 3. I recalled a half-Indonesian girl that was my age. She was the daughter of my old-man-neighbor-Joe's career Navy-man-son who was visiting. I remember that we hid in boxes and played with Play-Doh™. . .I remember vividly the smell of it on our hands and how we each adventurously tasted it for first time in one-another's company on the picnic table in my back yard. . .it was surprisingly salty and seemed plausibly edible.

When she said that she had to go back home, I proposed running away . . . just to see if she was up for it.

Unrequited
Emotional
Investments


Every now and then I like to make
misplaced and unrequited emotional investments.
Seeing the future through profoundly bold testaments
about loving for the sake of sake.
I think maybe you should go and take
an assessment that is a bit more comprehensive
and report to me about why you're apprehensive,
and we'll find how you grew so fake.

Cookie Monster Is Hardly A Monster At All

Cookie Monster Is Hardly A Monster At All

Cookie monster himself has been saying
that cookies are a sometimes food.
But his restraint
calls into question
whether he's any kind of monster at all.

Drug Monsters
are shooting up and smoking down

Sex Monsters
are thrusting in and pulling out.

Greed Monsters
are making bank on man's anguish.

Hate Monsters
invade deserts and kill Arabs.

Vain Monsters
are getting nips, tucks, and Botox™.

Death Monsters
are living fast, but not for long.

Their food is an always food all of the time;
it's endless devouring like it's no crime.

German Thanksgiving | Das Dänkegeben

Das Dänkegeben / Ciò Grazieperdare

I wish that Thanksgiving was much more German
Bavarian, with more beer and chunks of pork
or maybe it could be more Italian
Tuscan, with wine, breads, pasta and cured meats
Maybe just a bit less American
Less dark meat and awkwar
d feigning with family.

Right Now, Just Right

Right Now, Just Right

I don't remember who said "hi" first
but one of us did
and the other said it back

It's good to be appreciated
and fond of something.
To care more than to care less.

It is a good excuse to get nude,
to smile and fuck.
To ride out your callous drought.

It's good if you admit what it is
and you don't pretend
That what's right now is just right.



Keep Your Wife Happy For Life

How To Keep Your Wife Happy
with Dog Food




TV Commercials are so clever these days.
They inspire covet in so many ways.
It's
good to
Keep your pets happy for life!
with IAMS, said the TV ad.
Why not feed it to your wife?

It just might make her less sad.
And
Also
Meijer says Buying More means you Pay Less.
I've studied this phrase many-a-times
With logic, it does not coalesce.
Kinda like a skullfuck gangbang by nine mimes.
So
Why not
Buy a suit, comb your hair, and find work that pays.
You too can be food upon which rich man preys.





A Bottomless Well

A Bottomless Well
ain't that just swell?

I would rather get drunk than write this paper.
I would rather not live than not die, it's safer.

I think it's a good time to rethink my priorities

I've had too much to think, so said the authorities.

But it's a bottomless well
In so far as I can tell


The Manchild

The Manchild
It's The Manchild
Versus
The Wild Child

And the

Winner
Will be
taking on

The Flower Child

Whom gets defiled?

Place your

bets now.


G l a s s B o t t l e s

G l a s s B o t t l e s
Glass bottles of differing colors and shapes on my window-cil,
as through shines the evening sun.
It leaves us all at some point,
so you aren't the only one
in disrepair or disjoint.
There's not much that you can do except warm up or enjoy the chill.


300 Blackbirds and the Melodramatic Brat

300 Blackbirds and the Melodramatic Brat

Today I saw about 300 blackbirds strewning

through the leaves of November trees.

A diffusion of brown-orange confetti, whilst crooning.
Celebrating as they please
autumn's inevitable end
that same way that you are flaunting yours.

But they have quite a bit more class.


When you make the choice to die, examine your motives

and see they aren't ones you defend.
So embrace whimpers over roars,
when anguish and life do impasse.

Sure it's a sin, but a loving God always forgives.


Mulled Cider and Quivering Chins

Mulled Cider and Quivering Chins
The Best Way To Atone For Our Sins

I am pretty pissed with woman-kind at the moment
The ones who love me, for being not too smart or warm;
The ones who're neither dumb nor cold, for not loving me.

When you lose love you're not too sure you'll love again
But then [as you know] you do
and then you lose those loves too.

I'm holding out for one that likes good books, good movies
and also she'll like good songs.
and she knows where she belongs.
on the rug
she and I
with crayons
sipping on rum mulled cider.
The space between us grows tighter
and never grows loose again,
I see quivers on her chin.
And when she is away I can smell her on my sheets.
and I grin, and the whole room can feel that my heart beats.


Massacre v. Torture

Massacre V. Torture

She said that her life has been "a massacre ".
I said mines' like an endless string of torture.
Because it lacked a massacres' sweet mercy.

I can't believe any words like this could occur.
Who's to say? I guess I don't really know her
except that she thinks
that aloofness is cutesy.
And that

between she and I:

She was the Hutu

and me the Tutsi.

Mary, Have A Little Lamb With Me.

Do You Like To Eat Lamb?

Do you like to eat lamb?
I think that we might get along.
We might need more to go on.
But for now
that's a start.
The Lebanese don't eat ham.
So they marinade lamb just right.
Lets go out
and have some.
And discuss movies, books
and films, share a laugh and a kiss.
And let's see
what happens.

Be Kind, Rewind

Be Kind, Rewind.

It's good for us to think of all the cruel words that we've spoken

when we fill with rage
and sadness.
Whenever the tables get turned, and when our hearts get broken
and we rampage
like madness.
Whoever holds the knife that gets turned, will be stabbed themselves
and they'll bleed the same
as us all.
It's clever to be flip. It's easy when we're full of ourselves.
Really though, it's a shame
to not call
and be brutal like it's a sport and complain when you don't win.
So next time, be kind
and rewind
yourself back to times when you needed a bit of compassion.
And they just might find
it in kind.

The Donor Liver

The Donor Liver

I wonder how someone waiting for a
donor liver might feel about my life.
They'd say I should be in jail
maybe that I should be dead

Two fifths of 92 proof rum in two days
When I should have got therapy instead
6 felonies committed
Not one less, and maybe more

A drunk drive that's now no more than a haze
Trying to drive from the things in my head
Through campus and to her place
I drove fine, I watched my speed.

My latest female said I was crazy
So that's why she threw an ashtray at my head
And left a hole in her wall
and one in my heart to match

I got two slices of spinach-feta
And a big-ol' drink that was flavored red.
It was made even better
With some good Coconut rum

I stole Two-hundred dollars worth of books
I piled them in my arms and fled
My thanks to Barnes & Noble.
Readings' better when it's free.

I saw that tall, gray eyed ex-Girlfriend too
on a date, this time with a girl instead.
I pounded on the window
and gave them each the finger

I drove off and didn't see even one cop.
I drove slow, and merged to traffic ahead.
At home, I poured some more rum
and brooded about the girl

Sailor Jerry didn't turn my brain off.
Magic mushrooms opened it up, I spread
out, giggled and faced Jor-El
He prepared me for my death.

But I lived and had another day
of drinking, insanity, and of dread.
The next night was nearly worse
but I shan't talk about that.


The Dog Show

The Dog Show

I'm sure you've seen

TV shows where animals do adorable things.

The Way I See It

They Are Exploiting Their Struggle For Amusement.

A beagle poking his face through a hole in the fence.

Nobody asks why.
A kitten batting his paws at a red laser dot
That he'll never catch
An Irish Setter struggling to climb up a slide
It's how I must look.

Did anyone consider for just one moment that

It's No Fun For Them?
Next time they just might give a Hummingbird some Splenda™
And laugh while he dies.

But Likes Can Oppose

I don't believe that opposites attract.
I don't believe in opposites at all

What could be the opposite of brown?
Of gray?
What's the opposite of a circle?
A square?
What's the logic of that deduction?
Of you?
Are there opposites of Key Lime Pies?
Or cakes?
It's been such a profoundly bad thing
For us.
For humankind to measure things like
their fears
their differences and who has what.
They are
Taxonomists of hate. They are sick.
And still
Taxidermists of fate, make me hurl.

I don't believe that opposites attract.
I believe they cause us to maim, hurt and kill.

Why Not Blame It All?

Blame It All, James.

I'm drained but I don't know who or what to blame.
Constrained by fatigue, I can't think or take aim.

Is it the booze,
the bench press,
the late nights
or my forlorn soul?
Or all the above?

The lack of muse,
of success,
or delights?
Am I not whole
if I do not love?

Pained by a lack of plan in God's futile game.
Sustained only by an aversion to shame.


Portrait Of A Horny Agnostic
As A Young Man

You don't gotta send an Angel down , Lord.
Just some good company
to liven my spirits,
who digs things I dig (that I can afford.)

Maybe it's blasphemy
to request one with nice tits,
gray eyes and chestnut hair. (So I don't get bored.)
No More Latin honey!
I can't stand their awful fits.

On each these facts we can be in accord
I know my luck is out and has been poured,
and we aren't that chummy.
I lack faith that never quits
So far though, all these prayers have been ignored.

You don't gotta send an Angel down, Lord
nor a Playboy™ bunny.
But maybe if time permits
send me something sweet I haven't explored.

Free Cancer

What Are We?

What are we?
What are you?
Who Is Me?

Here's My Answer:
Go Get Cancer

So you see,
we are through
Let's Be Free!

The Hardest Cider To Cider™

Hey there folks,

I have something that will knock your socks off, but you will want to put them back on because it is getting cold outside. Speaking of warming up*; how about a fantastic new Autumn Beverage?

*A flawless segue.

I have for you a new drink recipe that I hope will live up to the reputation I have established with last summer's recipes; the Redneck Sunrise and Mennonite Lemonade.

As Nelson Mandela said, "Make it. Drink it. Drunk dial some crazy bitch and that's a fine as wine way to spend an Autumn evening." It might have been Flav-O-Flav. I can never remember which one faced unthinkable persecution and which one wears a clock. Oh well, enjoy.

-D. James McSaddle


The Hardest Cider To Cider™

Ingredients

- 1 half gallon of Apple Cider.
( I prefer Cider from Quality Dairy, for reasons other than the fact that there is a Q.D. about a block away from my house.)

- Half a fifth of Sailor Jerry original spiced navy rum. (I must insist that you use Sailor Jerry rum. It is 92 proof, and has a hint of cherry. It's strong but it goes down smooth. Incidently, I look for similar qualities in my female companions.)

-
1 dash of cinnamon

- 1 dash of nutmeg

- 1 half a cap full of vanilla extract.


-1 half a cap full of almond extract.


Directions:

Pour rum and cider into a medium sized pot, and but the burner on medium. Allow to warm as you add your ingredients. Stir frequently. Take the pot off of the burner and serve with a ladle.


D. James McSaddle has an M.F.A. in Bartending from Yale University.

Oh, That Child Of Yours!

It would be good at climbing trees
and eating eucalyptus leaves.

Oh, that child of yours

hairy and smiling,
marred with infected sores,
each day defiling.


Your lil' misunderstood disease
With pussed boils that bestow heaves.




Ham-Wallet Gumdrop:
A Poet's Banal Slop



Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!

Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!

From so much to choose!
I just can't STOP!
Each Choice Means You LOSE!
Each Win Means You FLOP!


Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!
Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!

You're sure to abuse
like an L.A. cop.

You've got no excuse
But You Just Won't Stop


Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!
Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!


You're wide, and she's loose

On THIS "Whistlestop" :-)
Like PLUMP Christmas Goose

You're Ready To SHOP

So get her to juice;
kiss, and be on top.

Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!
Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!


End This Rhyme, Mr. Seuss!
This Has GOT To STOP! >:O

Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!
Ham-Wallet Gumdrop!

A Cautionary Tale

Luna The Rubbish Raccoona: A Cautionary Tale

Look At Luna Raccoona!
Rumaging Through That Rubbish
Counting down the time

Till You're Rubbish Too
Counting on your Penny Well Wish,
Crawling while you climb
That is what you'll do!
From Aimes To Altoona!


My Diagnosis: I Grew Tired Of Your Psychosis

My Diagnosis

You don't like all that you have,
but you have all that you like.
I don't know 'bout your expectation,
but I'm clear on your fabrication.
If you aren't sure what it is,
It is about what you aren't.

For sure, I liked the adoration,
but I seek a better libation.
I might not know who I am
but I know who you're not
Let me lay out my diagnosis,
I grew tired of your psychosis.

You are not the best I've had,
but I know you've had your best.
It's me who moved you toward secretion,
and each time you enjoied completion.

The ending won't make you cry,
but your crying made it end.
So I am fine with my removal;
So, here's the end, sans your approval.

The Smartest Art There Is To Cause Your Fall.

Balls To The Wall, Walls To The Heart:
The Smartest Art There Is To Cause Your Fall.


I'd rather have a happy ending
than a pitiful start.
I guess that's how it goes
When you're too old to care
and too young to hold out.

When your balls own your heart.
And you don't care who knows
that you aren't being fair.
And Now you're out of clout.
and in need of some mending.

It's time you should be spending
the kind where we're apart.
And not so much on clothes
or product for your hair.
'Cause it's no way to clear doubt,
it's just endless pretending.

Think about who you're offending
with your cruel, haughty art.
To keep you on your toes.
It's just enough to scare
you right out of your bout
and once again ascending.